A Man After My Own Heart

Here is Satoshi Kanazawa at his Psychology Today blog, The Scientific Fundamentalist, printing his righteous interpretation of the US's Second Amendment:

The Second Amendment Right to Keep and Bear Nuclear Weapons

The Second Amendment has nothing specifically to do with guns

The Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States guarantees the right of every American citizen to own and operate their own nuclear weapons.

The Second Amendment in its entirety reads:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

The Founding Fathers wanted to guarantee individuals’ right to keep and bear arms in the Constitution, so that they can defend their states from the unlawful infringements of the Federal government. If the Federal government decides to invade and take over a state, its citizens should be able to defend themselves with their own weapons.

Notice that the Second Amendment does not specifically mention guns at all, only arms. It gave people the right to own guns, because that’s what the soldiers of the Federal government had. If the soldiers of the Federal government invade a state with their guns blazing, then the citizens of the state should be able to return fire with their own guns.

But that was a long time ago – 1791, to be exact – and the hardware of the soldiers of the US Armed Forces has considerably advanced since then. Now the US Armed Forces have bombs, supersonic fighter jets, tanks, aircraft carriers, submarines, laser-guided missiles, and, yes, nuclear bombs.

When Barack Obama decides to send his Socialist Muslim Army down south to invade South Carolina, how are the good people of South Carolina going to defend themselves with automatic pistols and high-power rifles? Obama has his finger on the button. He has access to a large nuclear arsenal as well as efficient means to deliver it. The Francis Marion of the 21st century will need much more than automatic pistols and high-power rifles, let alone muskets, in order to keep South Carolina a free state.

If the invading army has nuclear bombs, and the Stealth Bombers and nuclear submarines to deliver them, why shouldn’t the citizens of South Carolina (and every other state) have the right to own and deploy nuclear weapons to defend themselves and to keep their state free? (We’ll return later to the thorny problem of how the good people of Colorado can keep their submarines.) If the soldiers of the Federal Armed Forces have upgraded their hardware in the last 200 years, so must citizens of the United States, in order to fight them.

We the United States needed nuclear weapons because the Soviet Union had them, so that we could deter them and keep them from invading us. Now that the US Armed Forces have nuclear weapons, every citizen of the United States must have them as well to deter the Federal government from usurping our freedom and invading our states. It is essential “to the security of a free State.”

Thus, the logic of the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States stipulates that the right of the people to keep and bear nuclear weapons, supersonic fighter jets, laser-guided missiles and nuclear submarines shall not be infringed.

Or, alternatively, what Seth Meyers said

Since I'm in Canada, I don't get to see what Seth Meyers said on SNL [something about the US's interest in keeping Canada the land of the pure and the innocent, unexposed to greedy commercial interests sited in the US, you know, "copyright"], but I'm sure Seth argued the right of Americans to own pulse cannons, Varon-T disruptors, Thalaron radiation, and Chroniton torpedoes (more details here). What self-respecting American would have an armamentarium with less than these cutting edge weapons?

I don't want to hear about school shootouts anymore. I want to hear how a kid brought a gravimetric torpedo to school and obliterated the school and all its occupants. Now that would be newsworthy! And that would show that Americans are serious about their right to bear arms!