Democracy, A New Definition

From the world of doublespeak, Conor Clarke has published in The Atlantic a wonderfully new concept for democracy: get rid of the polls.

Most everyone acknowledges the problem with polls when it comes to Election Day: exit polls are frowned upon and in some cases banned, because early ones have been shown to influence the behavior of people who haven't yet made their way to the voting booths. If we can see that it's a problem on Election Day, shouldn't we acknowledge that it's a problem the rest of the year as well?

I would go that one step further. Let's get rid of elections! Since elections appear to have a sordid influence on society's elites, we should banish it. It is simply wrong to encumber the elite with a need to regard the views of the unwashed majority, the riffraff who clutter the streets. Everybody who really counts knows that the opinions that matter belong to the rich, the famous, and the powerful. Why bother asking ignorant people for their opinion in a poll or their vote in an election. This would only confuse the true elite!

I'm especially sympathetic to Clarke's points in favour of banning polls:

• First, constant polling uncomfortably expands the domain of democracy. Hear! Hear! We must object to the hideous idea of expanding democracy. If anything, let's get back to the good old days when only one voice mattered: the king's voice. We especially need to recover the really good old days when a mad king, say King George III, could waltz around ordering "off with their heads!"


• Second, many polls are wrong. Precisely. Anything that is ever wrong should be ignored. My parents mislead me when I was three, so I stopped listening to them. I found a book with a misprint, so I stopped reading books. This principle should be applied everywhere, all the time, and mercilessly!


• Third, and of perhaps greatest concern: the outcome of one poll can affect future polls and behavior. Heaven forbid! What will the world come to if polls make politicians think twice before doing something stupid. Worse, elections are known to change the power elite when one party is voted out and another takes its place. How ridiculous. We all know that there is only one truth. So there should only be one party in power. And truth is eternal, so that party should be in power forever. Neither polls nor elections should be allowed to change anything. Otherwise this democracy thing might endanger the delicate health of the rich and powerful!

Go read Clarke's essay. Join the Revolution!